There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
