Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
