Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
