i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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