Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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