Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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