Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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