Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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