Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
