Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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