sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
