dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
