you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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