would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
