She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
