I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
