I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
