I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
