she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
