You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
