Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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