hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
