Texts From Last Night

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  (310): View more from California

  Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.

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  (310): Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches. http://tfl.nu/8y2o
  Replies (40) Good night (3121) Bad night (737)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out

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  (440): planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out http://tfl.nu/zgao
  Replies (22) Good night (1636) Bad night (3516)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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  (732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we
  Replies (91) Good night (21822) Bad night (3233)
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'

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  (219): she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs' http://tfl.nu/aa98
  Replies (38) Good night (1347) Bad night (17387)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me

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  (651): I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me http://tfl.nu/s22y
  Replies (13) Good night (4461) Bad night (1436)
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  (831): View more from California

  So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.

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  (831): So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that. http://tfl.nu/tpz4
  Replies (21) Good night (2739) Bad night (3505)
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  (310): View more from California

  I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.

  (1-310): View more from California

  Make one for john too.

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  (310): I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake. (1-310): Make one for john too. http://tfl.nu/lihh
  Replies (3) Good night (1301) Bad night (1541)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round

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  (215): there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round http://tfl.nu/fnz0
  Replies (5) Good night (930) Bad night (432)
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  (742): View more from

  All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.

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  (742): All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat. http://tfl.nu/3hf2
  Replies (3) Good night (784) Bad night (415)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him

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  (813): I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him http://tfl.nu/hd5x
  Replies (23) Good night (1307) Bad night (552)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.

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  (630): I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award. http://tfl.nu/kz36
  Replies (5) Good night (999) Bad night (408)
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something

  (1-514): View more from Quebec

  how did you graduate high school

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  (514): all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something (1-514): how did you graduate high school http://tfl.nu/3j47
  Replies (5) Good night (863) Bad night (336)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.

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  (248): Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin. http://tfl.nu/4lxb
  Replies (3) Good night (553) Bad night (289)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.

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  (210): It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked. http://tfl.nu/smzj
  Replies (3) Good night (497) Bad night (305)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?

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  (503): Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle? http://tfl.nu/d4q1
  Replies (6) Good night (374) Bad night (198)

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