I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment