I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
