Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
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He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
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yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"