Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
