Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
