It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
