i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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