I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
