im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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