I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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