I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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