shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
