I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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