My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
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Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
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Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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