Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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