Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
