I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
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