I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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