I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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