Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
