Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
