I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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