My cat gives me a boner
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
