if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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