I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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