so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
