Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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