the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
