you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
