drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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