I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
