Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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