Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
