apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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