if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
