this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
