Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
