What tipped you off? The sombrero?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
