Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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