Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
