Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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