she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
