im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
